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No diabetes!

May. 12th, 2008 | 03:01 pm

I don't have diabetes!

Party on, Wayne.

Party on, Garth.

And from my friends Bill and Ted... gnarly.

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Since I'm in a story-posting mood...

May. 9th, 2008 | 03:37 pm

 Will edit that last entry so that it will come up under an LJ cut.  Sorry gang.

Here's another for your reading pleasure.  This one's probably not for the kiddies.  A lot of blood n' guts, as well as a bit of mockery.  Just a touch.  OK, so most of my stories mock something in one way or another - I won't write this much violence into a story if I'm not trying to prove a point... or if I'm writing horror.  Speaking of which, I'm writing it again.  Yeah, my resolve there was really strong, wasn't it?  Lasted a whole two years not writing something I vowed I'd never write again. Just have too many ideas rattling around inside my head not to spin out the occasional horror story.

Anyways, I give you... The Arena.  Written during November or December, this is another hard-to-market story, thanks to its political and cultural questioning as well as the huge element of violence within.  I think perhaps good ol' violence in a story no longer has the real potential for shock value, so unfortunately, this story comes off less as shocking than it does overly gruesome.  You live and learn, right?

The Arena )

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New flash fiction - The Human Factor

May. 9th, 2008 | 03:28 pm
mood: contemplative contemplative

Hmmm... Both this and the last story I posted are flash fiction.  Interesting, since they're actually among the first flash fic stories I've written.  Anyways, this story was written for a contest last month along with a pair of other short stories.  I decided to enter the others, not because I thought this one was inferior, but because I didn't think it matched their criteria quite so much.  I'd submit it again to a different market, but hey... why not post it here?

 
The Human Factor
            A hand broke through the window above Tuttle. Fleshy strings hung from it, dangling mere inches from Tuttle’s face. He fought to hold down his lunch as the meaty, gaseous stench seeped in even through the gas mask. He finished planting the last charge and darted away from the building. The moans of the zombies wailed through the night, but beyond it, he thought he could hear something else. Something much more shrill. Something human.
            He jumped over the concrete barricades his unit had set up that morning. Donny was working the spotlight on the Hummer. Tuttle shouted to him, “You sure this building was cleared?”
            “Yeah!” Donny nodded.
            “Show me the third floor. There’s something else in there.”
            The light swung immediately up to the windows. It panned slowly from side to side. “Stop. Go back,” Tuttle said, a cold hard knot forming in his stomach.
            It was a woman. She was banging on the window with her fists. At first, Tuttle thought she was another zombie. But when she saw the light come back to focus in on her, she stopped. She was trying to shout something through the window, but Tuttle couldn’t make it out over the sounds of the burning city. She must have realized they couldn’t hear her, so she began making rapid hand signals.
            “Oh no. There are survivors in there,” Tuttle moaned.
            Donny swore and hopped off the Hummer. “What do you want to do?” Tuttle was just a kid. Donny had been in the army for going on a decade. Tuttle looked at the other man, horrified.
            “You… you don’t know?”
            Donny shook his head. “We can’t go in there, man, that’s suicide. What’re we gonna do, Tuttle?” Donny’s voice was cracking and growing louder. In moments, Tuttle knew, he’d be hysterical.
            Tuttle held up the palm sized detonator in his hand. There was enough explosives on that building to turn it into rubble. Anything left inside would have to crawl through a mountain of debris, and they’d be waiting for it. Nothing human could survive an explosion like that. He looked back up at the third floor window. He imagined that he could see the tears in the woman’s eyes. There was movement behind her too. A child, maybe. A son or a daughter. Or maybe her husband. A co-worker.
            Or it could be one of them.
            “Get on the Hummer, Donny,” Tuttle whispered.
            It was just another blossom of fire in the night. And as he watched over the debris, Tuttle wept for the lost.

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Blood work

May. 8th, 2008 | 04:18 pm

Hey folks.  If you don't mind, keep your fingers crossed for me tomorrow.  I've got to go in and do some blood work to determine whether or not I have diabetes.  I'm not so much worried about the blood sugar thing as much as I am the effect on my eyes if it's true.  I'm sure the tests will go fine and that a little exhaustion episode I had today was just that - exhaustion.  But... yeah.  Damn these eyes.

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Assuming makes an....

May. 7th, 2008 | 09:46 am

I hate when people assume that I'm a freakin' idiot.

Sorry, had to vent.  Go see Iron Man.  Quite a decent start to the summer blockbuster movies, and I'm really hoping they make a franchise out of this.  Robert Downey Jr. does a hell of a job, and I want to see Mr. Hustle and Flow as War Machine. 

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Short stories

May. 2nd, 2008 | 09:14 am

I've decided to use LJ as a means to post some of my short stories that either aren't selling (The Chief's Order comes to mind immediately - rejected within the first week almost every time I've pushed it out, and after my tenth rejection letter, me thinks it's time to put it to rest), don't have a market (The Continuing Adventures of Macho Man Randy Savage, Lil Wayne, and Kermit the Frog versus the Zombie Horde of Rip Torn - you try selling that one on the market today), or that I don't have an interest in publishing for whatever reason (certain short stories might be written up as one-shots for a novel or as an experiment).   Fair warning, boys and girls, sometimes I get pretty graphic sometimes with violence.  I'll forewarn you, but just bear in mind that some of my shorts aren't for everybody.  I'll use the good ol' Cam rating system - PG, PG-13, and R.  Wow, that's original!

So, with-a that-a in mind-a (sorry, a little Mario talk there), it's time for the first one.  We'll start with the Chief's Order, a flash fiction short story written originally for submission to a very specific market, and then retooled to fire off to other markets.  This one's fairly tame - rated PG.

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This last week

Apr. 29th, 2008 | 09:28 am
mood: working working

Work... )
Games )
Movies... )

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Do Zombies Defecate?

Apr. 23rd, 2008 | 02:04 pm

In all my random weird thoughts, that one just popped into my head.  Can you see a zombie chowing down, and then a couple of hours later, "Brains... brains.... ugh, mudbutt... brains!"

And on that note, I had a freakin' epiphany.  This story idea is so brilliant, it might make your eyeballs explode.  It's that cool.

Macho Man Randy Savage and the raper Lil Wayne versus an undead horde, led by their evil overseer Rip Torn.

Money in the bank, right there.

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Fun purchases

Apr. 14th, 2008 | 03:59 pm
mood: geeky geeky

I bought two PC games today.  First up is the Fallout Collection, which includes Fallout 1, 2, and Tactics.  I owned the first two games, but have since lost the discs.  Those two are post-apocalyptic RPG's, heavily influenced by The Road Warrior and other similar films.  I've never played Tactics, so I'm looking forward to that.  The other game is Arcanum: Of Steamworks and Magick Obscura.  It was made by the same team as the Fallout games, and is a marvelous steampunk roleplaying game.  If you're looking for some cheap entertainment that will last you a good while, check them out.  Don't take Amazon's listed price of 30.00 for the Fallout Collection as being solid - if you look under other sellers, you can pick up a new copy for around $15.

Good stuff.  Beyond that, I've also bought a Sebastian Haff action figure (from the Bubba Ho-Tep movie) as well as a Medieval Ash figure from Army of Darkness.  Both are all sorts of geektacular.

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Guh, I write words! Homer do good?

Apr. 11th, 2008 | 08:34 am

I finally hammered out the backbone of a scene for Twilight that's been annoying the piss out of me for a week.  It's an essential part of the novel, and basically everything hinges on that one chapter.  So I wanted to get it right on the first try, or at least write it well enough that I could continue to work on the rest of the novel and come back later to make adjustments.  It just wouldn't happen, for some god awful reason or another.  Anyways, I finished passing that stone yesterday, so much grunting and pounding on keys should happen today.

And just out of curiousity, does anyone have any advice for making travel plans to Europe?  I want to go to England, Germany, and maybe some eastern European countries, but I don't even know where to begin.  Is there a sort of idiot's guide or any recommendations for an honest travel company or website?  I'm definitely not thinking right away - a year or two down the line at the earliest.

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Turning the bad and the ugly into the good

Apr. 10th, 2008 | 11:25 am

I had a horrific nightmare the other night (does anyone ever have a pleasant nightmare?  Don't answer that, I don't want to know).  It wasn't my usual monster-riffic type of nightmare.  More human.  More realistic (though truth be told, it's still pretty far-fetched).  It was actually a nightmare about terrorism, of all things.  It's not something that frightens me usually, beyond that horrible fear on 9/11.  I'm guessing most of you know what I'm talking about there.

Anyways, I'm not letting it get to me.  I'm using it.  Actually, it'll make for a hell of a poignant scene in Twilight, where terrorism by corporations or government is a very real threat to the masses.  It won't be written into the novel for quite a while, but the scene is so strong, I might sketch out the basics.

That leads me to the point of this meandering little blurb.  Anything in life can be used as fodder for writing.  That's what I love about the craft - you can make something from practically nothing.  A road sign can become a horror story.  An older restaurant with good service can become the basis for a novel.  People-watching can change your dialogue from stilted to flowing.  All it takes is a spark, and you've got a nicely roasting fire.

And on a side note, I think I'm going to drop the flashback idea from Wanderlust.  I'll go back through when I've finished and edit out the portions I've included, such as my protagonist's stay in Seattle.  My thoughts earlier this week regarding duality in novels led me to realize that I need a much tighter focus.  Good idea, though, and I might use it in another project somewhere down the line.

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Thoughts on Prison Break

Apr. 9th, 2008 | 03:51 pm

OK, gang, just finished up the first season of Prison Break last night.  Yes, this is a few years old, but hey, it's my blog and I'll bullshit if I want to.

I think Prison Break could have been great, but me thinks someone obviously got too hungry when the show's ratings boomed.  There are around twenty episodes to this season, which feels about ten episodes too much.  With that much time, a lot of the show's emotional drama and sense of urgency begins to fade after about the dozenth episode.  While some of the writing is intelligent, there's enough plot coincidences to make any writer blush.  Again, it's something I think could have been pared down with a shorter season length.  Take this, for example.  A psych ward character named Haywire sees the map of the prison on our protagonist's back.  Now, apparently, said character has some amazing memorizational talent, because a week or two later in the show's time, Haywire manages to recreate perfectly the map from memory.  I know people with photographic memory exist, but the entire show is filled with strange little quirks like this.  Characters always come through at the last minute when it's been teased for hours that they wouldn't.  A threat to the escape plan is neatly taken care of, without any lingering repercussions.

Perhaps the worst offender in that bunch lies in one of the two protagonists, Michael.  Michael apparently has the uncanny ability to look at something and see it in far more ways than the normal human would.  An example is made of a lamp - you or I would look at a lamp and just see a plain ol' lamp.  But this guy would apparently look at a lamp and know its components, figure out how they fit together and work, and then keep that knowledge for future use.  I would have loved to have seen a much more human character than Michael as the lead.  It never really feels like he's ever in any danger, because he knows all the answers.  True, some of the fun of the show is watching as those answers are slowly revealed to the viewer, but it makes it damn near impossible to relate to the guy.

I know that's a lot of complaints to level at a show.  There's definitely a lot to like in this show - the other main protagonist, Lincoln Burrows, is written well and acted even better.  The initial eight or so episodes are gripping, well-written, and move with a good clip.  Side characters like T-Bag and Abruzzi are great, and there's an interesting dynamic between Michael and the prison warden that really seems original.  Their interaction makes prison seem a little more human, if that's possible.  And the foundation of Prison Break is pretty solid.  I just wish the producers hadn't obviously been milking the cow for all it was worth.

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A mime, a meme, a mome

Apr. 9th, 2008 | 02:00 pm
mood: cheerful cheerful

Meme d'jour
Mmm.... that sounds good.  I'll have that.

You're feeling:  Stuffed, tired, but otherwise good.

To your left:  Pens, stacks of paperwork, my new Army of Darkness medieval Ash action figure, mail, a printer, various other office junk.

On your mind:  Time, working the angles, Wanderlust, and an idea for a horror novel I had last night.

Last meal included:  French dip sandwich, tater tots, water.

You sometimes find it hard to: put up with a lot of complaining, know when to shut up when I'm on the phone, and be as sociable as I once was.

The weather: Freezing.

Something you have a collection of:  Video games, Christmas village pieces, movie action figures.

A smell that cheers you up:  Many.  Smell of a woman using body wash or light perfume, baking goods, sea breezes, and hot cider.  Too many more.

A smell that can ruin your mood:  Animal messes, bad b.o., too much chemical cleanser.

How long since you last shaved: With a beard trimmer, last week (and it badly needs another trim).  With a razor, probably close to two years.  Ever since my vision got really bad, I have grown terrible at shaving a halfway decent goatee, so I just generally go with a beard.

The current state of your hair:  Disheveled and too long for the job.

The largest item on your desk/workspace (not computer): Giant plastic Pepsi mug that I use for personal loose change.

Your skill with chopsticks: Not even applicable.  So long as the food gets to my mouth and eventually to my stomach in a reasonably quick and clean manner, I don't give a good goddamn if I'm eating with forks, spoons, knives, chopsticks, pixie sticks, ladles, cradles, navels, or a ram's horn.  I'm sure the great gods of culinary arts are going to forgive me on that one.

Which section you head for first in a bookstore:  Sales/discounted books, then sci-fi and fantasy.  And if it's a Barnes and Noble, I might stop for a cappucino first.

Something you’re craving: Stromboli.  Weird, huh?  Nowhere in town or near here serves it though.

Your general thoughts on the presidential race: Vocally, I'm politically neutral on the candidates.  Here, though, I feel like I can admit I'm rooting for Obama.  I'm still holding out hope that someday our bulls**t two-party system will collapse, and in its place I will be declared emperor of this universe.  I wouldn't really want the job, but I imagine the perks would be pretty good.  After all, it is government.

How many times have you been hospitalized this year: I had an eye doctor visit a month ago.  Wasn't hospitalized, though.  Just a visit.

Favorite place to go for a quiet moment:  Kinda limited on mobility, so I'm gonna cop out and say my house.

You’ve always secretly thought you’d be a good: Baker.  Still might be one someday, if I retire well off enough to start up my own place.  The trick is in never overbaking - if your oven warms up properly and you keep a good eye on your things, always take your baked goods out about thirty seconds earlier than the recipe tells you.  And always freeze anything you're going to decorate.  No brainer, but still, you'd be surprised how many people don't know it.

Something that freaks you out a little:  The occasional nightmare and some bugs (especially spiders).

Something you’ve eaten too much of lately:  Mom and dad's food while they're on vacation.  What kinds?  Try the whole freakin' fridge and pantry.

You have never:
  cheated on anyone.  OK, I'll list fun ones.  I've never finished a Dickens novel, never dated anyone longer than six months, never going canoing (spelling?) without sleep shades over my eyes, never been to New York or Chicago, and despite how many times I've been there, I've never gambled in Las Vegas beyond possibly a poker machine.

You never want to: be an angry father or husband.  I'd also rather like to avoid prison, if it's all the same.

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Incredibly simple revelation, but...

Apr. 7th, 2008 | 10:52 am

This is probably taught to first-graders, but it just occured to me.  Have you ever noticed that the greatest stories revolve around pairs or trios?  I don't know why this strikes me so, but it's a thought I've been munching on since last night.  Even stories about groups of people revolve centrally around two or three individuals.  Let's take, uh, Lost, for example, since it's what I watched all damn weekend.  In Lost, there's very rarely a group interaction.  The first episode sees most every character in a group scene right after the plane crash (ZOMG spolizers!), but what about later?  Most every scene in almost every episode revolves around only two characters.  Sayid/Shannon, Locke/Boone, Walt and his dad, Jin and his wife, or various combinations therein.  We only really get takes on the individual when it's a flashback.... and the flashbacks almost always lead to some sort of self-realization, which leads me to my next point.

Novels about philosophy almost always center around one character's journey, literal or metaphorically.  Think.  Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance.  The Alchemist.  Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure.  Wait, what?  But those novels of self-realization always seem to have a central secondary character that influences or changes their lives or philosophies.  That's just a thought - not fact.  It's been a few years since I've read anything even remotely close to philosophic, so it's just a thought.  But I think it's one that holds water.  Hmmm.

What does that mean?  Why is this niggling in my skull?  It's pretty elementary stuff, after all.  Should be obvious.  So why is the idea of twos and threes so striking?

Rhetorical questions, of course.  But something to chew on, anyways, both for life and for the writing.  Wanderlust deals with three (I consider the town to be a third entity), and Twilight deals with a pair.

Ugh.  Head hurts.  Must kill thoughts with alcohol soon.

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Bad movies

Apr. 3rd, 2008 | 02:46 pm

Hm.  I just realized in another post today that I should really start a list and a bunch of reviews for bad movies.   I mean, thirty reviews of Transformers is good, but who writes articles on Tromeo and Juliet or Flight of the Living Dead?

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Best line of the week, April Fool's Day

Apr. 1st, 2008 | 10:36 am
mood: happy happy

 CUSTOMER: Oh, that food looks good!  What is it?

COWORKER: It's a Town Pump burrito.

CUSTOMER:  Where'd you get it from?

COWORKER: ...Town Pump.

Happy April Fool's Day, folks.  I love all holidays, and I have a lot of fun on this one.  Last night, I did quite a bit of work around the building, including but not limited to:

-Signs on the bathroom doors.  "These bathrooms include porcelain for your continued usage."
-Sign in the copier.  "Do Not Throw This Away!"
-Sign on pop machines.  "Warning - This Pop is Under Quarantine!  Drink at your own risk!"
-Sign on water cooler.  "H2O substitute."
-Sign on coworker's door.  "Donna's Office is now located on the fourth floor in room 403."  (Our building only has three floors)
-Sign on my office door.  "Keep out - asbestos removal."
-Sign on computer screen in coworker's office.  "Do not turn on under threat of penal code 47 section 7."
-Letters in every mailbox stating, "When you get this, could you come and see me?  -Donna."
-Tape under coworkers' mice, blocking the laser tracker.
-Every-flavor jelly beans put in cup on office desk.  People love free food around here and gobble it up.  My favorite is when they get the dirt flavored ones.
-Letters on employee desks.  One states, "Tammy, could you please give Tom Lochran a call when you get a chance at ***-****?  He's complaining about a letter from his office that's gone up in smoke.  He had a real hacking cough, a heave smoker, I think.  Hard to understand."  The number dials a cigarette shop out of town.  The second letter states, "Paula, could you please give Alan Moonfeld a call?  He was inquiring about the Anchevy subdivision, near the Muzarel area.  ***-****."  The number calls up an out of town Pizza Hut. 

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T-shirts

Mar. 31st, 2008 | 02:25 pm

This sounds a little pathetic, but do you know one of the big reasons why I'm looking forward to losing a lot of weight?  So I can finally fit into 2X t-shirts.  Most of the world's really great t-shirts are made for smaller guys.  I look at sites like Vintagevantage.com, laugh my ass off, and then feel bad because I don't fit into their sizes.  I guess I could have them custom printed, but I'd feel a little awkward walking into a printer shop asking for "Tijuana - City of the Future!" to be printed.  Or the one of the Indian chief standing and saying, "I have reservations!"  That's horrible, but still, it's awfully funny.

But at least I have my 50's bowling shirt, my tuxedo t-shirt, and my world's greatest grandpa shirt to keep me warm.

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Good and bad week

Mar. 27th, 2008 | 08:57 am

 It seems like I only ever write in this to gripe or to go ga-ga over something.  Let me know if either gets to be too much.  I don't know what bores all of you.

I'm going to an orthopedist (spelling?) next month.  I'm not pleased about it, but it's necessary, I think.  I've had a nagging shoulder injury for about a month, and it's time I did something about it.  Basically, the arm is fine when it's by me side or resting.  But I can't lift the arm above shoulder level without assistance and without a lot of charlie-horsing or pain.  It feels like the shoulder just can't relax, if that makes any sense.  I'm sure it's nothing, probably just a pulled muscle or a slight tear, and the doc will probably just tell me to quit whining and deal with it.  But I hate going to hospitals.  I hate the idea that they might look at me like I'm a hypochondriac.  Weird, huh?  And it's not like they would - my mom is the lead clinic nurse, I know the docs well, and no one there would ever say something like that.  And yet... I think every time I go over to the hospital that someone's going to tell me it's all in my head, that I'm just being a wuss.

Watched The Fountain last night.  Good movie, but the ending drove me a little nutso.  I can't put a finger on why, but I know the piled-on imagery and symbolism has a lot to do with it.  But well worth a watch - Jackman and Weisz are brilliant in it, and there's a hell of a good story in there.

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Strange question for the group mind

Mar. 20th, 2008 | 09:53 am

Does anyone have any particularly great examples on working a character description into the flow of a story, preferably in the first chapter?  Seems lazy to ask, I know, but I'm working at the moment.  I'm going to go through a stack of novels tonight reading only the first chapter to do my own research.  I thought I'd ask in the meantime to see if anyone had any favorites.

Context, right?  OK.  I wrote the first chapters of each of the novels I'm working on without including some small details on the initially introduced characters.  We're talking little things - eye and hair color, that sort of thing.

Any particular good 'uns?  Feel free to include your own if you're a writer.

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It costs how much?!?

Mar. 19th, 2008 | 11:42 am

Within the last four years, the Help America Vote Acts were passed to much fanfare.  Well, it's a bunch of bullshit.  HAVA is responsible for ripping even more money out of our pockets.  Actually, what happens is akin to legalized plunder.

Thanks to the legislation being passed that requires the use of voting machines that allow the disabled to vote by themselves (in theory, but we'll get to that in a minute), your counties now must fork out over $6000 for what is essentially a touch screen, a scanner, a speaker, and a printer.  Some of these costs are offset by federal or state funding - but guess where that funding comes from?  Oh, yes, that's right - your national taxes!  So basically, you're paying to have the government pay the government to supply you with alternate means of voting.  Make sense?  It doesn't to me either, and I work with goddamn budgets every day.

And that's just the beginning of the fun.  See, your counties are required to maintain a contract with the companies behind the machines in order to provide proper maintenance and so-called vital updates.  This is really where the companies grab taxpayers and have their way with us.  Do you know what's included in that maintenance contract?  One sub-contracted guy with little training comes to town, opens up those machines, and blows condensed air into them.  He then takes five minutes, calibrates the screens (which is something taught to election administrators in $400 requisite seminars), and asks where the best restaurant in town is at.  And do you know how much that single little trip costs?  For us, $1846.72.

Let that sink in a minute.

Still with me?  Good.  And that's not all, ladies and gents!  Your counties are then supposed to fork up cash for what's called on-site training.  Basically, another sub-contracted individual is paid to come down to your county, look at your machines, make sure they're functioning, and fix anything that goes wrong.  But get this - both times, the on-site support we've received has been horrendous.  The guy had hardly ever run an AutoMark machine, let alone actually repair one.  He got on his cell phone for over three hours to fix a feeder tray problem, and ended the day with a blunt, "I don't know."  He then proceeded to ask where the best restaurant in town was, and left.  The machines (all of them) were left broken and unusable.  And how much was that little jaunt?  $1950.00

You wanna know where your tax dollars are going?  It's to ridiculous fees from stupid companies that know they have a monopoly on the little man.  And believe you me, they'll squeeze every last cent out of you until you absolutely scream - and then they'll squeeze some more.

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